What is faith?

For years I have prayed for God to show me my way. We have, as a couple, prayed this nearly daily for years.

But I realized something recently that shook my foundational faith. I am not really sure that I want God to show me my way, and if he did, I am not sure I would follow. Why, well, it boils down to the fact that I don't think I truly have the faith.

It all started about a month ago. I have been looking forward to reading the book "Mother Theresa: Come be my light" for many months. In fact, I tried to buy it before it came out, but I was not able to pre-order it at the time so I had to wait. I didn't make it back to the bookstore for a few months, and in that time I recieved a Kindle as a gift. One of the first books I downloaded was this book based on Mother Theresa memoirs. I love the book, but I don't want to rush through it, it's rich with deep spiritual meaning and longing. I read it voraciously at first, but have not read it for a few weeks because I got disgusted.

No, I wasn't disgusted with the book, I was disgusted with myself. You see, I realized something very disturbing- I don't think I really do want God to open my heart and mind, to lead me on my way. In reading some of the heartfelt words of Mother Theresa, I nearly cried. Mother Theresa had so much faith in her life that she followed blindly. I realized that I just don't.

For the years that I had prayed for God to lead me, to show me the way, I didn't really mean it. Because, after all, I would not go to Calucutta, I would not live without food or water and just know that God would deliver it to me when I needed it.

I may have thought I was praying for God to show me my way, but the truth is, that I probably would not follow. Perhaps God knows that and that's why my life hasn't really changed much.

The book I was reading really shook the foundation of my beliefs, to what extent do I truly trust God to lead me? I should be embarrassed to admit this to you, but God apparently already knows this, I just don't have the necessary faith.

I have tried to cover this up for years with a variety of excuses. I have kids, I need to be there for them. I have bills to pay, so I can't actually leave my job. I feel like God is trying to tell me something, but I am not sure what. All the meanwhile, I do today what I did yesterday and deep down I know that three weeks or three years from now nothing will change.